Love and Hate

Colette and I spend a great deal of time analyzing which planetary alignments are forming and what their outcome will be for us. We believe that when Jupiter was in retrograde, that's when an infestation of rodents (and one bunny) descended open on our home. When Mercury was spinning, that's when all of our technological appliances = fail. And at the end of December, when Saturn eclipsed a bunch of her moons, we turned on the oven in the house for almost five days straight ... in a ROW!

So, it appears our lives are encountering a bit of the "crazies" yet again. In light of this, I bring you this post: Things Colette and I Love and Hate

We Hate:

Verizon. Their complete incompetence has left me without stable Internet connection for the entire time that I've lived in Boston. There incestuous relationship with Direct TV has caused constant billing issues. And their customer support, while polite and well meaning, is utterly useless.

Direct TV: We need to call once every three or four days to have a phone agent "reboot" our cable box, usually as we are settling down to watch the all important Jon and Kate Plus Eight. Additionally, the purchase of a "movie" through Direct TV requires a complicated system of wires, a secret pass code, a rocket ship, and some Necco wafers. Yeah, we don't understand it either. So help us if they dare to interrupt the The Hills ...

Facebook. Oh, Facebook, you wacky social network you. Thank you for updating our "relationship" status and causing a whirlwind of misguided ideas to all of the Interwebs. Thank you for your brilliant "photo tagging" which causes us to need to be on constant alert from those pictures from ten years ago when we first tried Goldshlagger. And thank you for your vampire kisses, tramp stamps, green little patch invites, and the like. Really, our days could not begin without them

Squirrels - Ninja Fucker kind or otherwise. We know you believe in karma, you little rats you. And we're *watching* you.

We Love:

Our Wii. Many a night has passed with Wii Cheerleading on the brain. When we miss the gym, we Wii box. When we have too much wine, we play Wii trivia. Yes, we are two single females. Yes, there are no children in sight. Yes, we use the Wii to lure unsuspecting men to the home in the hopes of seducing them into performing some light home repairs in return for some Wii Tennis. We are not ashamed. NOT ASHAMED!

The Tent: If, as an adult, you have not had an opportunity to sleep in a tent INDOORS, you are sorely missing out. Tents provide security from late-night attacking rodents, as well as a warm exterior, pretty colors, and complete comfort! If you come to the Benoir/Glimmer house, our tent(s) are wired for sounds and electricity. And of course, since we are PRETENDING to participate in an outdoor activities, we can count this as our nature allotment for the year.

Shovels: If you come and visit Benoir and Glimmer at any point during the year, you will find us armed with our favorite weapon of choice: the shovel. The shovel is a multiple-purpose and handy weapon. Thus far, we have used it to beat the crap out of: A box of Cheez-It's, some old mail, a trash bag we assumed had a mouse in it, and our neighbors car when she wasn't looking. Pretty soon, CB and I will be launching a nationwide contest to "Pimp My Shovel", as soon as MTV picks up the rights. You heard it here first!

High Fiber Wheat Thins: Mmm... yummy.

So, there you have it folks - the first installment of "Love and Hate" from yours truly! Stay tuned for more as winter turns spring, and more exploits are sure to come our way.

The Chipmunk Chase

My phone rings at 11:11, and I see that it's @colettebenoir. Now, keep in mind, Colette and I live together, but our house is big and it's not uncommon for us to call each other. I have just settled into bed after a few glasses of wine, but CB is breathless: "Kat, there's a chipmunk in the house!". "A what?". "A chipmunk!".
Now, I haven't lived with CB very long, but I have been made aware that in no way, shape or form does she like rodents, reptiles, birds or insects (this was demonstrated when she held @Kittyrocks up to a spider once, apparently so Kitty could disintegrate it with her X-Ray eyes). However, I am amazed that I did not hear Colette scream from the living room (screaming "Kat Glimmer", btw, lest my real name confuse me) where the Chipmunk, amusingly called "Alvin", made a brief appearance before Colette's shrill scream scared him back out of the room.

Now, really - you have to be around CB and I long enough to realize our plans of action are usually without much forethought or logic, but are generally terribly amusing. When I came down the stairs, I was instantly whisked into our living room with the door shut.

Plan #1 was to barricade ourselves into the living room to avoid Alvin and any potential peers. I'm not sure how long we were going to stay there - until the local delivery places got tired of passing us food through the window, or until one of us eventually would need to report to friends or family. But, I'm pretty sure that Plan #1 would have come with barricading ourselves in should we not have moved on to Plan #2. I was just glad that if we had to barricade ourselves in somewhere, it was the room with the Wii.

Plan #2 was to Locate Alvin. Kitty had long since run off, probably convinced her two Mommies were having a mental breakdown, so she was of no use to us at this time. So, CB and I took to being stealthy. There's just one problem: Colette was convinced that we had not just a chipmunk on our hands, but a super-ninja chipmunk that was going to jump from the walls onto our heads ala bad comedy movies. If you're around CB long enough, she's terribly convincing, and before long we were walking around the house like the walls were moving in on us.

Plan #3 was to Knock Alvin Unconscious. We had segregated his possible location to our cubbard closet. Now - it's a big closet, but CB pointed out that Alvin probably had a taste for trail mix, and alas, this was his happy home. So, we begin to attempt to peg Alvin with a votive candles. I should insert here that the votive candles were only used after CB exhausted our supply of large, pillar candles, and I extracted the candelabra from her hands - mid throw. This was all being done while CB stood on the dining room table, and I on the floor. When Peg Alvin with Votives didn't work, we moved onto to ...

Plan #4: Shovel and Trash Picker. Again, we worked this plan out as we went along. Apparently, I was going to catch Alvin by the tail (do chipmunks even have tails?) with one of those long-handled trash pickers, while CB bopped him on the head with a shovel. I only wish you could have seen us - me, yielding my trash picker like a sword in battle, and Colette, yielding her shovel like she was a cave man clubbing her dinner. At this point, and near hysteria/exhaustion, CB got a wind of braveness and decided to take the shovel and bash all of the contents of our closet. I can only liken this to Fatal Attraction For Rodents. This, I must say, was incredibly amusing, and I laughed so hard my stomach hurt. But alas, she had to be stopped when the shovel got too close to the wine bottles.

Plan #5: Hope Alvin Leaves on His Own. Knowing that our attempts thus far were going to be futile, we decided to retreat for bed and hope that Alvin would find his own way out, or be eaten by one very lazy Kitty. Of course, since we have a stealthy ninja chipmunk, we had to "guard" each other's trips to the bathroom, lest Alvin come running in and want to flush the toilets for us. Then, we closed our bedroom doors and lined the underneaths with clothing, etc so that Alvin wouldn't make us any nighttime visit. Oh - and our bedtime weapons of choice: Me, with my Trash Picker Sword, and Colette with her Shabby Chic Shield.

Alas, if anyone has any advice on how to battle a ninja chipmunk, CB and I are all ears! Also, should your new year's resolutions involve any cardio vascular activity, please come to our house for the Chipmunk Chase! We'll even let you pick your own weapon.

Diva-Time!

Here's a birthday poem to the one, the only, Miss Diva Rockin!

DIVA-TIME

There once was a lass named Kera
Who loves lip gloss and ponies and shoes
She morphed into a Broad named Diva
And often Tweet'd from the loo!

I met her in a pancake place
She served her swill with flair
I knew for sure, when I first laid eyes
My new BFF was there!

She liked her fun and adventure time
Diva really played the part
As I got to know her more and more - I felt
The Groove was in her Heart!

Big Daddy, Sade, Podcasts and Breaks
The memories are out of sight
I f only we can get Miss S to sing
For an Afternoon Delight!

As you turn a year older, the remember-whens
Bring smiles to our face
I look forward to making so many more
With my favorite Be-Atch in the Human Race!

Happy Birthday, Kera!
*gigantic hugs*

My First Blizzard!

The snow is coming! Hooray! Looks as though I may very well have a "White Christmas" for my return to Boston. Ever since getting chased out of Florida by Hurricane Fay, I fear bad weather follows me wherever I go. So, it's no wonder a blizzard has arrived. I'm just sad we don't get to name them, like the hurricanes.
So, in my infinite wisdom, I decided to brave the grocery store last night to gather up some hurricane "supplies". I turned on that "news" that @missscandalous is always telling me to watch, and there was all this talk about what you need in the event of a storm, power outages, etc. So, off to Shaw's I went.
Now, probably a normal, organized person would have brought a list with them, and purchased supplies actually pertinent to a brewing blizzard. I see the following items being necessities to an impending storm: shovels, salt, water, canned goods, plastic utensils, car scrapers, etc. All those things sound really practical and important - but let's face it, they aren't a lot of FUN, are they? And the Casa de Colette and Kat is all about the fun! So, here are the supplies I deemed appropriate for an impending storm:

* A paddle with a string and rubber ball attached to the end
* A new Wii game (I sure do hope we have the Wii on a generator)
* A poinsettia (don't eat it, @kittyrocks!)
* All the fixing for root beer floats (IBC = YUM!)
* Spam, in case @colettebenoir and I feel really adventerous
* Stamps you lick
* A brand new deck of UNO
* Four bottles of wine (this was the first stop. Let's face it - none of you who know me are really surprised)
* A latch-hook kit, in case CB and I want to go back and work on those Girl Scout badges we never finished
* Twinkies, because they last for hundreds of years!
* Bubble Bath
* a new lipstick

So, as you can see, while you may be fed, clothed and warm for your blizzard, you won't be having the Par-tay @colettebenoir and I are putting together! You can DM me for a special invite, and we'll see if maybe you can sled your way over to our comfy pad. Hey - can one of you bring some brownies?

The Wonder of Magic Eight

So, Magic Eight and I have been spending a lot of time together in a past few weeks. I've had a lot of questions of the Universe and it's wry, but charming, sense of humor, so why not turn to the authority on the subject? Below is just a sampling of questions I've asked Magic Eight (and for those of you I'm throwing under the bus with me - hey! thanks!).
Note: A reminder that I'm using the special, High School Musical Magic Eight Ball

Will I ever win the lottery? "Don't Count On It"
Will I make a turkey for Christmas? ""Ask Again Later"
What are the chances that my divorce will be final before I turn 40 (please note: I am currently 33): "Sounds like a winner" (yeah, I noted the irony in this answer, too).
Is @georgebing thinking about donuts right now? "It is certain"
Why does my office always smell like stale cookies? "Call Back Friday @ 3:30"
Will @thediva send me a sexy text this morning? "It's Hard to Believe"
Will I find money in my Magic Pants today? "It's Hard to Believe"
Will @colettebenoir ever beat me in Wii Boxing? "Not Another Word" (uh oh! I better get practicing).
Is @kittyrocks asleep in her food bowl right now? "Stick to the Status Quo"
Do I think about sex more than the average teenage boy? "It is certain"
Does Tom-Tom love me as much as I love it? "Sounds like a winner"
Will @thediva and I manage to record another Broad Cast before the year's end? "It's Hard to Believe"
Is my uvula really that ginormous? "Not another word"
Will I get to go to Iceland this year? "Signs say soarin'"
Will I be spending Christmas day gambling? "Call Back Friday @ 3:30"
Is there a pedicure in my future? "It is decidedly so"

Yes, this is how I base the majority of my life decisions. Does anyone need any answers? Let me know!

Ode to Colette Benoir

Ode to Colette Benoir

I met you in the Second Life, a happy virtual place
Your charming chat and and bubbly self was really just my pace!
You listened to my podcasts, said you were a fan
"Wow, for real"? Diva and I thought. "You sure you're not a man?"

Your love of voice and stripper poles, I knew you were my kind
We traveled round that virtual world and never gave a mind
When hell broke loose in real life land, you offered up a room
"Why yes", I thought, and came to Boston, riding on my broom

Roommates we are, fun times we have, I'm glad the chance we took
It doesn't seem to matter, that neither of us can cook
You opened your heart and life to me, your home and your yard
I even now can overlook your lack of library card

And on your special day, when age 29 repeats
I wish you all the best 'cause you rock and can't be beat!
Here in Twitterland and Blogsville, I just want to say
You had better have one hell of a Kick Ass BIRTHDAY!

Happy Birthday, Colette Benoir!

*mwah* ~ from Kat and Kitty

The Parking Debacle

For someone who drives so little she only has to fill her gas tank every three weeks, I've had quite a parking debacle this month. I see now why people rely solely on public transportation to get to and fro, and I plan on doing the same. Circumstances this past couple of weeks have forced me to drive into work a total of three times. THREE times. That opens us up for any number of debacles, Gentle Readers. Where shall we begin?
The city I work in is notorious for having ZERO parking options. Well, if you don't live there anyway. There are a limited number of public garages, and I am "off" the main drag a tad. So, the first day I need to drive into work, I figure that one of the meters usually available to me across the street from the library will be open. Right? WRONG. Library Ninja doesn't take into account that it's ELECTION DAY. People are parked and voting like mad, so there are no parking meters! My powers of stealth have failed me bad. So, I make my way to Scary Parking Garage, where I snag one of the few remaining spots. This goes well until I go to leave. Guaranteed a discounted rate by a hanging tag I procured from the City in another debacle, I go to leave and am SCOLDED for not having properly filled out all the information. Oh no- parking tag is not good enough for Parking Lady! One must fill out their license plate number, tag number, social security number, names of all your grammar school teachers, and count backwards from 1000 while hoping on one foot before you are allowed out of the garage. There was literal finger pointing - I kid you not.
When my next driving adventure arrives, I am better prepared. I arrive earlier, case out parking spots better, and find the perfectly allocated meter spot. Too good to be true? I parallel park for the first time in 10 years, and after three attempts, I have achieved a MASTER parking job. I am so proud of myself, I comment to a passerby, who thinks I'm nuts or don't get out much. Then, I go to feed the meter, only to realize that even though I have put close to $2.50 in quarters in said meter, it is still only reflecting 30 minutes of time. Oh no? Oh yes. I am in a 30 minute spot. MAXIMUM. I have achieved parking nirvana only to have to MOVE MY CAR back to Scary Parking Garage and get reprimanded, again, by Parking Lady. I walk to work, defeated.
Parking debacle continues to today, where I again try for the metered spot. I find one right across the street from work. It's a front spot, so I only have a car behind me. I ensure that the meter is for more than 30 minutes - check. I feed meter to maximum - check. I note time when I will need to come back and feed meter - check. I am prepared. I am happy. I have won! Until... I go to feed meter. Man who has just parked car walks up to me, curious. "That's my meter" he says. Huh? How can this be? He looks at my car and says, "oh, that's not a spot. I bet you have a ticket by now. See the sign?". Sign? Who the hell reads all these signs? This city is tattooed like a college girl on Spring Break. How can anybody READ all these signs? But there it is - "no parking to corner" with a big, giant arrow. I have, essentially, parked in a non-spot, and paid someone ELSE's meter for four hours. Yes, yes I have. And, to make sure I have the ice on the parking cake, there is a shiny red ticket waiting for me on my windshield. $30. Not counting the $4 in parking I paid for someone else. So, I slip the ticket back underneath my wiper, and amble back to work. Looks as though I've bought this parking spot for the day, huh? Now if only it came with a wash.